Women: Your expectations are too high

My mother has a strange wedding gift to give brides in our family before their big day.

It’s a book called “Marriage Shock: The Transformation of Women into Wives” by Dalma Heyn. She loaned me the book before my wedding more than three years ago and also to my sister-in-law before she married my brother.

I’ll admit I didn’t read it thoroughly — I skimmed its pages to get the gist of it, but I didn’t think it applied to me. I had already taken numerous sociology classes in college on gender and women’s studies. I get it. But the concept probably rings true for many young women who feel like their lives will be complete from the moment they say, “I do.”

Now I’ve loaned it to my colleague DeeAnna Haney who will be tying the knot next year. I’m not assuming it will apply to her either — it was just a precautionary measure, of course.

What I took away from it was simple: women’s expectations of marriage are often unrealistic and you can’t rely on a man (or anyone for that matter) to make you happy. And this isn’t a man-bashing statement. Men should actually be thankful that such a book exists to take some pressure off of them — we’re only human after all.

From the time we are little girls, we dress up and play house with our Fisher Price kitchen sets, Easy Bake Ovens and baby dolls. We pretend Barbie doll and Ken get married, have a baby and will live happily ever after. Boys are not conditioned to even think of such things — their games and toys revolve around exploring and adventure.

Courtesy of Knittingparadise.com

It isn’t completely our fault that we think about getting married from a young age and think it will be all sunshine and roses. But the truth is every marriage is different. Your marriage doesn’t have to be like your parents’ or your best friend’s marriage. You can chart your own course and break the stereotypes that need to be broken.

In the book, Heyn talks about ways for women to acknowledge and overcome those deeply ingrained social and personal expectations so that a woman can be a wife and still maintain her sense of self.

I don’t blame my mother for giving what could be perceived as a pretty rude gift to rain on a bride’s parade. After seeing many of my friends in their 20s divorced or on their second marriages, I am now the first to badger them with “Are you sure?” “Have you talked about money?” “Have you talked about kids?” “Religion and politics?”

Many couples seem to overlook these factors when they're head over heels and planning a wedding. Not to say a difference of opinion on these big topics is a deal breaker, but it’s better to lay it all out on the table beforehand instead of five or 10 years down the road. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce — a pretty scary statistic.

Marriage has enough surprises on a daily basis without having to worry about whether your spouse will ever change his or her mind about having children or whether you and your husband will raise your child Jewish or Methodist.

Maybe it’s because my husband and I both came from a long lineage of divorce (and dating for nine years couldn’t have hurt), but I felt like we entered into our marriage with eyes wide open. I didn’t want to have any doubts, but I was doubtful that day would ever come. How can you ever be sure? But one day it did come. It was a peaceful moment of clarity. We made an absolute commitment to not only love each other but to stand by each other and take this journey through life together. 

It’s not always easy — but I know nothing worth having in life is ever easy.

I’m by no means and expert on marriage. However, my one piece of advice for women would be not to focus so much on the happiness of your wedding day but on how to sustain that happiness with your partner for the rest of your life. 

Courtesy of Empowernetwork.com